FIVE years ago…it almost hurts me in realization that it’s actually been 5 years since the fork in my road. The detour I last spoke about. I probably lost all my following since I stopped writing, left blogger, moved over to a new platform with a new name, and thought I could somehow pick up where I left off. No. It’s never that simple. Here’s the recap of the story. In 2012 I started this little blog as a stay at home mom with two little girls ages 3 and 1. I had no idea where I was headed all I knew is that I felt compelled to write and talk about life things. Health things, and sometimes recipes. It was ordinary shit but I liked to imagine it as “anything but ordinary” because in my core that’s what I knew I was. At the time I had no idea that I was quite an old soul and unlike everybody else. I just knew I had strange compulsions unlike other people and I needed an outlet from being a caretaker and that I’m meant for something greater than living and dying. Asleep people could laugh and say it’s delusion, and others coming into their own self awareness could call it divinity.
I’m the odd child coming from a dysfunctional family, highly sensitive and empathetic, so naturally my experiences are rich with introspection. I like to think of myself like Matilda…my mother is consumed by appearances and well.. my fathers… (a terribly complicated story) were simply out of the picture. Anyway I wrote about relationships, and experiences in the way I saw them. I was deep in question about my life goals. Checklists are my thing, so when my husband asked about having another baby or trying to have the boy I just froze. I knew in my heart it wasn’t for me because I was all about reinventing myself and learning new things. I am a deeply involved mom, investing of time and energy into my children’s growth and development as people, but does it fulfill me like an “end all, be all”? No. It’s simply not my thing, and I will bluntly stand tall and admit that with no reservation because as a multidimensional being I’m here to experience and learn on the school called earth. This is bigger than my offsprings. This is bigger than appreciation. I’m grateful for so much but I still need to thrive as an individual.
I played with the idea of having the 3rd child because of Love. Love is the highest vibration. I love my husband so much I couldn’t think of a possible future where I could possibly regret or have a resentment in our marriage. Little did I know that, that decision would lead me down some painful depths about loving yourself first and healing. That child brought my deepest healing. He is a special 4 year old boy, he brought me so much unconditional love. He pushed me passed so many limits. I’m thankful for this child. At first it was too much. I wanted to run away when I was dealing with postpartum depression. As a solution oriented couple, we got a nanny and decided I should go back to working because running is my go to. By default, I look to escape at the first sign of discomfort. I started my own business and started getting involved in my community leading a women’s empowerment group. I never felt so accomplished all in a matter of 1 year and 3 mos…then suddenly in one fell swoop a narcissistic relationship triggered me back into a depression. I was not okay for months. I saw this article on PNSD and it hit home, my husband was starting to notice. I kept looking for distractions wherever I could find them. Most of my happiness was by busy-bodying and planning trips. I refused to stay still until I was called to the beach on a regular weekday, without any family. What happened most would ask? What happened was the same thing that’s happening all over the world since the lockdowns. People had to deal with their shit. The veil got thinner. I was forced into stillness, I was forced to face myself. I decided then and there that I would goto therapy, but I was lying to myself. I kept thinking “oh this is a formality, nothing’s really going to change…” Haha yea… that was the fucking plot twist. After going to therapy 2 months in I realized my life was a lie. I was a child of parental alienation and eventually in 2020 I would meet my biological father after 33 yrs. For the first time on good faith.
Down the rabbit hole of my own life I went coming to terms with my own addictive personality, lack of trust, codependent patterns, eating disorder, high functioning ADHD, and OCD behaviors. I never go into victimhood because honestly it was all shit everybody talks about, makes memes about and relates with. Many are walking around “undiagnosed” so to speak; laced with unhealthy coping mechanisms, wavering levels of growing self awareness and adapting. We’re all dysfunctional in some shape or form to varying degrees… Those labels were just labels the reality is things we considered normal need healing, cognitive restructuring, different approaches, and simply acknowledgement. For the first time in my life I feel strong and confident enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t respect or honor me. To leave behind anyone and anything I no longer resonate with. I’m a changed fucking person. I no longer feel pangs of guilt and riddled with fear. My sense of obligation and duty gone. I am present, I am focused and I am infinitely abundant and divinely guided. I am grateful for everything as ugly as it was, because it champions me to be the very best version of myself. I am aligning with my higher self no matter what it looks like to others.
The next time you come to the fork in your road what will you do? What guides your decisions? When you reflect back on your worst times are you able to say that you’ve faced the darkness head on and transmuted everything negative? Have you fallen into the trap of victimhood? How have you used the bumps in your road to feed self-limiting beliefs? When’s the last time you actively worked on personal development? Where do you derive your happiness? They say happiness is an inside job. If you feel called to do so, please like, comment, and share. Share your story. We’re here to learn from each other.
With love and light,
The Divine Catalyst 